Everyone has experienced shame sometime in their life...right? And most often we don't share our shame, we keep it covered up. By definition shame is: "a painful feeling of humiliation caused by wrong/foolish behavior." 

Today, I wanted to show up, be brave, and share my "shame" and plot twist: I am no longer ashamed.

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My biggest shame is that I was a "thumb sucker" for a long time. By "long" I mean that I sucked my thumb from some young age until I was 20 years old. Why do I feel shame about this? Because I was told it was wrong and foolish so many times, by so many different people and society and for so long it's no wonder I had these painful feelings. At a young age, kids suck, imagine that bully whom always picked on you. I experienced it too. But not only were my peers bullies so were adults. I distinctly remember in elementary school teacher's threatening I would not be "let into" middle school if I still sucked my thumb. Now imagine awkard middle school with all it's bullies AND you were the "baby" who sucked her thumb. I got really tired of the mean people and stopped sucking my thumb in public. Now I was only doing it at home around my few faithful friends who had compassion for me and didn't care if I sucked my thumb. (Shout-out to my small circle of high school friends! Thank you for loving me and having a heart) I relied on the comfort heavily and needed it to sleep. I was terrified of sleepovers because somebody would see me doing this "wrong" thing and make fun of me.

Fast forward to my transition to college. Once again, I struck with terror that I would be bullied all over again because my roommate would see me sleeping and make fun of me and spread the news. Luckily, this did not occur, but the fear was real! Then my Sophomore year of college I was really struggling with a breakup. So I went to student health services for counseling. I say this like it was the easiest decision. It wasn't. We all know there is a big stigma around mental health services and I fell into that trap. But I hated how I was feeling and I actually knew one of the counselors so I decided to give it a try. Let me tell you, talk-thearpy worked wonders for me. And we moved from the breakup to my habit I was so ashamed of. A spring break trip with my campus ministry group was quickly approaching and I could feel myself worried and anxious again because people would see and judge how I slept. I don't remember exact details but I do know that the first night I just tried to sleep without. And it worked! The rest of the week I was able to continue. I was so excited that with pure determination I was able to stop this habit. From there I never sucked my thumb again.

My shame did not stop however. Sure, I was excited to "conquer the beast." But I was also convinced that maybe my thumb might slip in subconsciously during sleep. I had doubts that the habit was truly gone. I was determined for it to be gone and so scared I would fail.  I never truly celebrated this accomplishment, never bragged to a friend. I kept it pretty quiet, because it was "wrong" to begin with. I never share this intimate detail of my life. 

When I spurred my own little self into the action of shouting the news I went looking to see the exact anniversary date of "the change." March 14, 2015. I couldn't believe it had been four years. 

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I am strong willed.

I am brave.

I am proud.

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Maybe now I should celebrate? 

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